Reasons Why People Cheat
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Infidelity: Spying is NOT Revenge
Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse as ammunition for revenge. Sure, you may have wonderfully violent fantasies of what you would really like to do to him/her and the other person. This is very normal. But, don’t act them out.
Using what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen the time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity as a person, lower your personal standards and make you exceedingly unattractive.
Resist the temptation to sling the mud!
Keep what you find to yourself.
The obvious signs of a cheating spouse disturbed you. You spy because the truth will set YOU free. The quickest cleanest way to break free from the extramarital affair is to set your focus on you as you navigate your way through the difficult weeks and months.
The sooner the two of you can face each other, without outside input or influence, the better off you and the relationship will be.
There usually is no reason to share new found information about cheating husbands or cheating wives with family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. A concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might be an exception. If it is important to share such information, do so without much fanfare or drama.
And of course, if you pursue legal action, any information obtained through spying might be helpful to your attorney. Some “evidence” does carry weight in particular states or districts.
About The Author
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.
Revitalize YOur Love LIfe Now!!!
www.femmefatalelovesecrets.com
Using what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen the time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity as a person, lower your personal standards and make you exceedingly unattractive.
Resist the temptation to sling the mud!
Keep what you find to yourself.
The obvious signs of a cheating spouse disturbed you. You spy because the truth will set YOU free. The quickest cleanest way to break free from the extramarital affair is to set your focus on you as you navigate your way through the difficult weeks and months.
The sooner the two of you can face each other, without outside input or influence, the better off you and the relationship will be.
There usually is no reason to share new found information about cheating husbands or cheating wives with family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. A concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might be an exception. If it is important to share such information, do so without much fanfare or drama.
And of course, if you pursue legal action, any information obtained through spying might be helpful to your attorney. Some “evidence” does carry weight in particular states or districts.
About The Author
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.
Revitalize YOur Love LIfe Now!!!
www.femmefatalelovesecrets.com
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Infidelity: Difference Between a Rage and Revenge Affair
The fifth affair I outline in my book, "Break Free From The Affair" is called: "I Want to Get Back at Him/Her." This is the revenge affair.
It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in infidelity. It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one’s spouse.
Key Points:
1. The affair may be a direct response to the affair of the spouse. “I’ll show you! Take this! I want you to hurt as much as I hurt.” Or the affair may be revenge for some other form of cut-off or perceived emotional injury: “I’m not getting enough here, so I’ll show you!” Or, “There, I got your attention!”
2. This typically occurs in a marriage where effective personal confrontation does not happen or happens ineffectively. There is a mistrust of expressing one’s self fully to the other person. The marriage relationship usually is marked by civility, but the two, in essence, do not know each other very well. They are polite, but there is no fire. They may want more, but are not sure how to get more.
3. The fire that does exist is a smoldering tension under the surface of the marriage. The tension may be the result of the frustration that one or both experience when they believe their needs are not being met. There is a genuine desire for more – from the spouse – but it’s not happening.
4. This form of revenge affair serves as a wake-up call for the relationship. If, and I use the word if advisedly, the couple can “get it out” – drain off the tension – and begin talking about needs, yes, the relationship stands a very good chance of turning into something wonderful. One or both must say with a great deal of passion, “I REALLY want you! I no longer will settle for the boiling frustration and seeming indifference to my needs. This is what I need and expect…..”
5. There is another kind of revenge affair that holds less hope and is more destructive. A revenge affair may be the result of long-standing and unresolved anger or rage toward the opposite sex. There is a persistent pattern of the person pushing others away with rage or anger. There also is a great deal of projection, or this person blaming others for his/her situation.
6. This form of anger is more rage than frustration. The rage emerges from a desire to hurt rather than from the frustration of needs not being met. This person exhibits little concern, as well, for the other person. Whereas someone more frustrated because they want their needs met, is usually more considerate of the other person.
Tip: Begin to make distinctions between rage and frustration. Determine the type of revenge affair you must face. If it is rage, learn to protect yourself and set boundaries. Begin to take exceptional care of yourself. Begin to say no! If it is an affair of frustration, begin looking at your needs. Identify and express those needs. Take a risk. Turn up the passion button. Dare to engage about needs, both yours and the others.
About The Author
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.
It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in infidelity. It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one’s spouse.
Key Points:
1. The affair may be a direct response to the affair of the spouse. “I’ll show you! Take this! I want you to hurt as much as I hurt.” Or the affair may be revenge for some other form of cut-off or perceived emotional injury: “I’m not getting enough here, so I’ll show you!” Or, “There, I got your attention!”
2. This typically occurs in a marriage where effective personal confrontation does not happen or happens ineffectively. There is a mistrust of expressing one’s self fully to the other person. The marriage relationship usually is marked by civility, but the two, in essence, do not know each other very well. They are polite, but there is no fire. They may want more, but are not sure how to get more.
3. The fire that does exist is a smoldering tension under the surface of the marriage. The tension may be the result of the frustration that one or both experience when they believe their needs are not being met. There is a genuine desire for more – from the spouse – but it’s not happening.
4. This form of revenge affair serves as a wake-up call for the relationship. If, and I use the word if advisedly, the couple can “get it out” – drain off the tension – and begin talking about needs, yes, the relationship stands a very good chance of turning into something wonderful. One or both must say with a great deal of passion, “I REALLY want you! I no longer will settle for the boiling frustration and seeming indifference to my needs. This is what I need and expect…..”
5. There is another kind of revenge affair that holds less hope and is more destructive. A revenge affair may be the result of long-standing and unresolved anger or rage toward the opposite sex. There is a persistent pattern of the person pushing others away with rage or anger. There also is a great deal of projection, or this person blaming others for his/her situation.
6. This form of anger is more rage than frustration. The rage emerges from a desire to hurt rather than from the frustration of needs not being met. This person exhibits little concern, as well, for the other person. Whereas someone more frustrated because they want their needs met, is usually more considerate of the other person.
Tip: Begin to make distinctions between rage and frustration. Determine the type of revenge affair you must face. If it is rage, learn to protect yourself and set boundaries. Begin to take exceptional care of yourself. Begin to say no! If it is an affair of frustration, begin looking at your needs. Identify and express those needs. Take a risk. Turn up the passion button. Dare to engage about needs, both yours and the others.
About The Author
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Cheating Spouse: Is Spying an Invasion of Privacy?
My, how the cheating spouse cries foul when he/she discovers you are spying.
Outrage can be intense: “How dare you!! I never thought you would stoop to that! How could you!? How can there be trust in this relationship if you do that? This is none of your business; I don’t spy and go behind your back! Now you know why I want to pull away from you. How could I love anyone that would do something like that to me?" On and on.
Cheating husbands and cheating wives usually will not admit the duplicity of their clandestine behavior. But you are made out to be the villain if you use detective work to discover the truth. It doesn’t make sense, but then again not much about infidelity borders close to sanity.
Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent on destroying the integrity of a relationship through spying? No, of course not. The integrity of the relationship has been destroyed through the extramarital affair. The affair shattered the promises and mocked the vows that the two of you made.
You saw clearly the signs of a cheating spouse. The affair invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled its protective boundaries. The marital infidelity broke the contract of the marriage; it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception.
Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. It’s intent is to find the truth. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage and enable each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity.
About The Author
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.
Outrage can be intense: “How dare you!! I never thought you would stoop to that! How could you!? How can there be trust in this relationship if you do that? This is none of your business; I don’t spy and go behind your back! Now you know why I want to pull away from you. How could I love anyone that would do something like that to me?" On and on.
Cheating husbands and cheating wives usually will not admit the duplicity of their clandestine behavior. But you are made out to be the villain if you use detective work to discover the truth. It doesn’t make sense, but then again not much about infidelity borders close to sanity.
Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent on destroying the integrity of a relationship through spying? No, of course not. The integrity of the relationship has been destroyed through the extramarital affair. The affair shattered the promises and mocked the vows that the two of you made.
You saw clearly the signs of a cheating spouse. The affair invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled its protective boundaries. The marital infidelity broke the contract of the marriage; it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception.
Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. It’s intent is to find the truth. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage and enable each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity.
About The Author
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.
Friday, July 07, 2006
What Makes Cheating Spouses Cheat
Have you ever wondered what makes cheating spouses cheat in the first place? They certainly didn't get married with the intention of being unfaithful to their spouse, so why did they do it?
Many "infidelity experts" on the internet these days are offering solutions on how to find PROOF that will expose your spouse or catch them "in the act". But instead of putting 100% of your effort in finding solid proof, your energy would be better spent understanding what went wrong in your marriage.
It's fairly common for "chronic" cheating spouses to give up on a relationship the moment things start to become a little difficult.
Rather than admitting and accepting that there's a problem in their marriage, they look for someone else to fulfill their needs. These "needs" could be anything from a physical connection to strictly intellectual relations leading to an emotional affair.
Affairs take place because one spouse's needs are no longer being met by their partner. Cheating spouses are then drawn to someone else who WILL (temporarily) meet those needs.
What increases the chance of an affair taking place is when a man marries a woman who idealizes love and spends her whole life going in and out of marriages in search of her "perfect soul mate".
Soul mates may exist in romance movies but in real life, it takes work to create a lasting relationship.
Like it or not, marriage is WORK hit man but it doesn't have to be "hard" work.
If you want win your spouse over after an affair, you need to know how to meet his/her needs.
Every couple goes into marriage with expectations of each other that are NEVER CLEARLY DISCUSSED simply because they don't REALLY understand, nor can they clearly explain what their own expectations are let alone their spouses!
Cheating spouses cheat because they're in search of unmet, yet unspoken deep emotional needs. It's as simple as this..
If YOU aren't meeting your spouse's needs, they will find SOMEONE ELSE who WILL!
This fact is also one of the reasons why most affairs don't last. Let me explain-
When your spouse met this other man/woman, they THOUGHT that this other person was meeting their needs, but what was really happening is they were blinded by the "Romance" stage of a relationship.
You and your spouse went through this stage also. If you think back to the beginning of your relationship, you may not have noticed at the time, but the two of you were on your BEST behavior.
Looking back, it might even seem like your spouse was a different person back then.
The reason?
There is actually a chemical released in your brain that makes you feel "infatuated" with this other person. It would even be safe to say that cheating spouses can't think straight when they're caught up in this "biological phenomenon".
This is also why some couples make irrational decisions early in their relationship, like going off to Las Vegas and getting married on a whim. Down the road, after the Romance stage of their relationship is over, many of these couples eventually get divorced.
So if you're worried that your cheating spouse is "in love" with this other person, chances are, the affair is VERY short lived which means you STILL have a chance to win over your spouse!
You owe it to yourself (and your children if you have them) to give your marriage a second chance. In fact, here's a statistic that might give you some inspiration.
A study from the Institute for American Values found that "almost eight out of 10 couples who avoided divorce were happily married five years later."
If you can just get over this affair, this obstacle in your marriage, and start meeting each other's needs, I promise you, your marriage will be much stronger and more fulfilling than it was even BEFORE the affair took place.
About The Author
Larry Bilotta special report, The Secret Path to Divorce, shows you how to recognize the WARNING SIGNS that lead to divorce before it's too late to save your marriage. Get your FREE Report at http://www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com.
Many "infidelity experts" on the internet these days are offering solutions on how to find PROOF that will expose your spouse or catch them "in the act". But instead of putting 100% of your effort in finding solid proof, your energy would be better spent understanding what went wrong in your marriage.
It's fairly common for "chronic" cheating spouses to give up on a relationship the moment things start to become a little difficult.
Rather than admitting and accepting that there's a problem in their marriage, they look for someone else to fulfill their needs. These "needs" could be anything from a physical connection to strictly intellectual relations leading to an emotional affair.
Affairs take place because one spouse's needs are no longer being met by their partner. Cheating spouses are then drawn to someone else who WILL (temporarily) meet those needs.
What increases the chance of an affair taking place is when a man marries a woman who idealizes love and spends her whole life going in and out of marriages in search of her "perfect soul mate".
Soul mates may exist in romance movies but in real life, it takes work to create a lasting relationship.
Like it or not, marriage is WORK hit man but it doesn't have to be "hard" work.
If you want win your spouse over after an affair, you need to know how to meet his/her needs.
Every couple goes into marriage with expectations of each other that are NEVER CLEARLY DISCUSSED simply because they don't REALLY understand, nor can they clearly explain what their own expectations are let alone their spouses!
Cheating spouses cheat because they're in search of unmet, yet unspoken deep emotional needs. It's as simple as this..
If YOU aren't meeting your spouse's needs, they will find SOMEONE ELSE who WILL!
This fact is also one of the reasons why most affairs don't last. Let me explain-
When your spouse met this other man/woman, they THOUGHT that this other person was meeting their needs, but what was really happening is they were blinded by the "Romance" stage of a relationship.
You and your spouse went through this stage also. If you think back to the beginning of your relationship, you may not have noticed at the time, but the two of you were on your BEST behavior.
Looking back, it might even seem like your spouse was a different person back then.
The reason?
There is actually a chemical released in your brain that makes you feel "infatuated" with this other person. It would even be safe to say that cheating spouses can't think straight when they're caught up in this "biological phenomenon".
This is also why some couples make irrational decisions early in their relationship, like going off to Las Vegas and getting married on a whim. Down the road, after the Romance stage of their relationship is over, many of these couples eventually get divorced.
So if you're worried that your cheating spouse is "in love" with this other person, chances are, the affair is VERY short lived which means you STILL have a chance to win over your spouse!
You owe it to yourself (and your children if you have them) to give your marriage a second chance. In fact, here's a statistic that might give you some inspiration.
A study from the Institute for American Values found that "almost eight out of 10 couples who avoided divorce were happily married five years later."
If you can just get over this affair, this obstacle in your marriage, and start meeting each other's needs, I promise you, your marriage will be much stronger and more fulfilling than it was even BEFORE the affair took place.
About The Author
Larry Bilotta special report, The Secret Path to Divorce, shows you how to recognize the WARNING SIGNS that lead to divorce before it's too late to save your marriage. Get your FREE Report at http://www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com.
When Martial Arts Makes You Have Cheat (The Village Voice)Q. In my 26 years, I've had my fair share of relationships. I'm usually the one spooning out advice to friends hungry for wisdom. Sadly, I'm helpless to aid myself in my current situation. I met "the girl of my dreams" four months ago. If you met her, you would know that angels exist on earth. But she's married and has four kids. Her cheating husband is abusive to her (verbally, physically,
Gallas warns teammates to watch for diving (Fox Sports)Diving, cheating, simulation, gamesmanship. Whatever you call it, France defender William Gallas will be looking out for it when his team plays Portugal on Wednesday in the World Cup semifinals. "You have to be attentive with the Portuguese because ... they like to dive, so it depends on the referee," Gallas said Tuesday. "We will need to concentrate 100 percent.
WIMBLEDON NOTEBOOK / Volume way up on grunting issue (San Francisco Chronicle)Alan Mills had few regrets when he stepped down after 23 years as Wimbledon's head referee, but one issue stuck in his craw: He was unable to do anything about shrieking female players. "I would personally love them to stop doing it," Mills said upon...
The Place Where World Cup Dreams Go to Die (phillyburbs.com)BERLIN - A dozen yards in front of every soccer goal sits the intersection of crime and punishment. It's called the penalty spot, and it's where World Cup dreams often go to die.
Sign of Affair: I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love
If there is one front-and-forward excuse for infidelity it is: " I fell out of love."
This usually means: I no longer feel sexually attracted to you (I'm sexually attracted to someone else, for now, at least.) Or, I need to spice my life with giddy emotional highs and intrigue every so often.
Infidelity has different faces...and different signs and patterns.
Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I've identified 7.
And, if you look carefully, you will find that each form of infidelity carries different signs and markers. Know those specific signs of infidelity and you can save yourself much grief.
One kind of affair I write about in my E-book is called, "I Fell out of Love...and just love being in love."
Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair:
1. Hang on to your seat. This may be some ride, much like a thrill ride at an amusement park. There will likely be many ups and downs, spiced with dramatic flair. Watching your spouse go through his gyrations may leave you somewhat dizzy. He will give his all to this new-found "love" and at other times might find his way back to you.
2. Typically you will struggle with being ignored and feeling rather awful that you can't provide the "love" this other person seems to provide. You might find yourself questioning your capacity to "love" and your desirability. His affections will obviously be centered on that other person.
3. He may want to tell you about this other person. Not only might he want you to know about the other person he may desire to share with you some of the details of this relationship. He might want you involved. This creates an intense triangle that juices the drama. (Most classical love stories are dramas, complete with a triangle; he "falls in love" with the forbidden or unattainable princess. Often the drama ends as a tragedy - Romeo and Juliet.)
4. Expect some juvenile behavior such as love letters (e-mail), special names, special promises, secrets only for the two of them, etc. Some of these affair relationships are the result of unfinished business from adolescence. Perhaps he was responsible for family or beset by some trauma or internally or externally imposed injunctions that precluded him from dating, socializing with the opposite sex, and "falling in and out of love" a number of times, which is so important and vital for adolescent development.
5. You may hear the persistent phrase, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." He may truly "like you" and depend on your stability, goodness and understanding. The thought of losing that may keep him connected with you. His fear of losing that which is stable and enduring may conflict with his need to follow his feelings. As well, the possibility of loss may point to the internal emptiness that stirs up very uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. This is part of the roller coaster ride.
6. He may feel very badly about his "inability" to love you and his "inability" not to love the other person. He may express great remorse for the dilemma. He may profess deep sadness for "hurting" you - but, as you know, he has no control. His feelings drive him. His "concern" for you indicates his superficial understanding of relationships. Or, his "concern" for you may be a manipulative attempt to find an easier exit from the marriage.
7. Expect his feelings for the other person to fade. They will fade quickly if this is a pure "I've fallen out of love (and just love being in love)" affair. The "romance" of adolescent love affairs start quickly and end as abruptly. If, however, other issues come into play, such as, resentment and/or the inability to say no, you have a more complicated situation that takes longer to resolve.
About The Author
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
This usually means: I no longer feel sexually attracted to you (I'm sexually attracted to someone else, for now, at least.) Or, I need to spice my life with giddy emotional highs and intrigue every so often.
Infidelity has different faces...and different signs and patterns.
Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I've identified 7.
And, if you look carefully, you will find that each form of infidelity carries different signs and markers. Know those specific signs of infidelity and you can save yourself much grief.
One kind of affair I write about in my E-book is called, "I Fell out of Love...and just love being in love."
Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair:
1. Hang on to your seat. This may be some ride, much like a thrill ride at an amusement park. There will likely be many ups and downs, spiced with dramatic flair. Watching your spouse go through his gyrations may leave you somewhat dizzy. He will give his all to this new-found "love" and at other times might find his way back to you.
2. Typically you will struggle with being ignored and feeling rather awful that you can't provide the "love" this other person seems to provide. You might find yourself questioning your capacity to "love" and your desirability. His affections will obviously be centered on that other person.
3. He may want to tell you about this other person. Not only might he want you to know about the other person he may desire to share with you some of the details of this relationship. He might want you involved. This creates an intense triangle that juices the drama. (Most classical love stories are dramas, complete with a triangle; he "falls in love" with the forbidden or unattainable princess. Often the drama ends as a tragedy - Romeo and Juliet.)
4. Expect some juvenile behavior such as love letters (e-mail), special names, special promises, secrets only for the two of them, etc. Some of these affair relationships are the result of unfinished business from adolescence. Perhaps he was responsible for family or beset by some trauma or internally or externally imposed injunctions that precluded him from dating, socializing with the opposite sex, and "falling in and out of love" a number of times, which is so important and vital for adolescent development.
5. You may hear the persistent phrase, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." He may truly "like you" and depend on your stability, goodness and understanding. The thought of losing that may keep him connected with you. His fear of losing that which is stable and enduring may conflict with his need to follow his feelings. As well, the possibility of loss may point to the internal emptiness that stirs up very uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. This is part of the roller coaster ride.
6. He may feel very badly about his "inability" to love you and his "inability" not to love the other person. He may express great remorse for the dilemma. He may profess deep sadness for "hurting" you - but, as you know, he has no control. His feelings drive him. His "concern" for you indicates his superficial understanding of relationships. Or, his "concern" for you may be a manipulative attempt to find an easier exit from the marriage.
7. Expect his feelings for the other person to fade. They will fade quickly if this is a pure "I've fallen out of love (and just love being in love)" affair. The "romance" of adolescent love affairs start quickly and end as abruptly. If, however, other issues come into play, such as, resentment and/or the inability to say no, you have a more complicated situation that takes longer to resolve.
About The Author
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Kaiser calls for end to cheating (Eurosport)Franz Beckenbauer has called for a summit meeting of players, coaches and referees in an attempt to put an end to play-acting.
Kaiser wants war on cheats (FOXSPORTS.com.au)FRANZ Beckenbauer has called for a summit meeting of players, coaches and referees in a bid to stop the "cheating" which has blighted the World Cup.
Dedicated preps spend summer honing skills (Green Bay Press-Gazette)A summer day in the life of Cam Fuller isn't that of a normal teenager. The Sevastopol golfer arrives at Cherry Hills Golf Course in Door County ? the Pioneers' home course ? by 11 a.m. He goes to the driving range to loosen up, then to the putting green to work on his short game.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Signs of a Cheating Spouse...and how they differ from Signs of Infidelity
Cheating is different from infidelity?
Yes, I believe so. Signs of a cheating spouse will be different from signs of infidelity.
In talking to thousands of people embroiled with a cheating spouse or infidelity over the past t
wo plus decades, I've noticed a difference. In our society the word cheating carries different meaning than infidelity.
This is important for someone discerning the signs of a cheating spouse or the signs of infidelity. A person who "cheats" is different from someone who is involved in "infidelity."
Cheating is most closely described in my e-book as someone who "Doesn't Want to Say No." This is only one of 7 kinds of affairs. The other six kinds of affairs lean more in the direction of infidelity.
The true cheater is a rather rare bird, but is probably most glamorized and comes closest to our stereotype of cheating or infidelity.
Infidelity, in general, is marked by confusion, pain, doubt, ambivalence and a period of craziness in a person's life.
Cheating is an ongoing lifestyle.
Here are some signs of a cheating spouse: (substitute the word she for he, if you like.)
1. There most likely will be more than one other person. He sees affairs as conquests, usually sexual, and not as a place to find intimacy. Actually he lacks many of the tools and the mind set to have intimate relationships. He most likely will move from one conquest to another. His gratification on a basic level remains primary.
2. He will have little internal conflict about the affair. This differs markedly from the person who can't say no. Your spouse will view the affair or affairs as entitlement. He deserves them. He deserves to be adored. He deserves to have excitement and personal gratification in his life. He has earned it. There is nothing wrong with this. Actually others, perhaps you included, ought to understand this!
3. He will operate in a world that supports his illusion and behavior. He will surround himself with those who look the other way or actually encourage his philandering behavior. You will probably not find yourself welcomed in this world. He and his colleagues and friends collude to maintain their world.
4. You might run into a problem with the other person or persons. Remember the movie, Fatal Attraction? The other person might attach herself to him with specific expectations to be cared for and perhaps married - perhaps part of his strategy in his conquest efforts. When she is "dumped" or the expectations fail to materialize she may pursue revenge. You might be involved.
5. You may not experience a great deal of conflict with him. There is no talk of divorce. Your life might be quite copasetic - unless you rock the boat. He has his playtime and you fill another specific role of quiet support. Keep the balance and life moves along fairly seamlessly.
6. There is one problem, however. The problem of aging. Depending on his social context, you might become a liability as you increasingly fail to project a young attractive vibrant image. He wants those around him to reflect back beauty and perfection. If you fail in this regard you may be cast aside. Part of this depends on the financial cost of such "trade-in."
7. His fragile, illusionary world and yours may crumble if he encounters failure. Failure is his "Achilles heel." Unfortunately, the distortion and illusion he lives under do not always coincide with reality. He pushes and bends the rules to his advantage. He may not pay close attention to the consequences of his behavior. Those consequences - legal, financial or health - may bite him at some point. He most likely will count on you to be there for him, to cry on your shoulder (perhaps literally) and help him regain his confidence.
About The Author
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Yes, I believe so. Signs of a cheating spouse will be different from signs of infidelity.
In talking to thousands of people embroiled with a cheating spouse or infidelity over the past t
wo plus decades, I've noticed a difference. In our society the word cheating carries different meaning than infidelity.
This is important for someone discerning the signs of a cheating spouse or the signs of infidelity. A person who "cheats" is different from someone who is involved in "infidelity."
Cheating is most closely described in my e-book as someone who "Doesn't Want to Say No." This is only one of 7 kinds of affairs. The other six kinds of affairs lean more in the direction of infidelity.
The true cheater is a rather rare bird, but is probably most glamorized and comes closest to our stereotype of cheating or infidelity.
Infidelity, in general, is marked by confusion, pain, doubt, ambivalence and a period of craziness in a person's life.
Cheating is an ongoing lifestyle.
Here are some signs of a cheating spouse: (substitute the word she for he, if you like.)
1. There most likely will be more than one other person. He sees affairs as conquests, usually sexual, and not as a place to find intimacy. Actually he lacks many of the tools and the mind set to have intimate relationships. He most likely will move from one conquest to another. His gratification on a basic level remains primary.
2. He will have little internal conflict about the affair. This differs markedly from the person who can't say no. Your spouse will view the affair or affairs as entitlement. He deserves them. He deserves to be adored. He deserves to have excitement and personal gratification in his life. He has earned it. There is nothing wrong with this. Actually others, perhaps you included, ought to understand this!
3. He will operate in a world that supports his illusion and behavior. He will surround himself with those who look the other way or actually encourage his philandering behavior. You will probably not find yourself welcomed in this world. He and his colleagues and friends collude to maintain their world.
4. You might run into a problem with the other person or persons. Remember the movie, Fatal Attraction? The other person might attach herself to him with specific expectations to be cared for and perhaps married - perhaps part of his strategy in his conquest efforts. When she is "dumped" or the expectations fail to materialize she may pursue revenge. You might be involved.
5. You may not experience a great deal of conflict with him. There is no talk of divorce. Your life might be quite copasetic - unless you rock the boat. He has his playtime and you fill another specific role of quiet support. Keep the balance and life moves along fairly seamlessly.
6. There is one problem, however. The problem of aging. Depending on his social context, you might become a liability as you increasingly fail to project a young attractive vibrant image. He wants those around him to reflect back beauty and perfection. If you fail in this regard you may be cast aside. Part of this depends on the financial cost of such "trade-in."
7. His fragile, illusionary world and yours may crumble if he encounters failure. Failure is his "Achilles heel." Unfortunately, the distortion and illusion he lives under do not always coincide with reality. He pushes and bends the rules to his advantage. He may not pay close attention to the consequences of his behavior. Those consequences - legal, financial or health - may bite him at some point. He most likely will count on you to be there for him, to cry on your shoulder (perhaps literally) and help him regain his confidence.
About The Author
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Fear stifling ambition in drama-light Cup finals (Chinapost.com.tw)After an encouraging start the World Cup has degenerated into a low-scoring tournament short on classic matches and attractive football, but high on nerves, red and yellow cards and cheating.
Despite scandals, fans keep loving baseball (MSNBC)For all the outrage directed at Major League Baseball over the never-ending series of revelations and accusations involving performance-enhancing drugs, the game remains amazingly resilient.
Diving upsets 'bitter' Neill (The Age)Socceroos Lucas Neill and Tim Cahill chat to the media after arriving at Sydney airport last night. Photo: Per Groth SOCCEROO hero Lucas Neill arrived in Sydney last night still stunned by Australia's exit from the World Cup and frustrated that cheating is unlikely to be driven out of professional sport with such high stakes as those at the World Cup.
Eriksson hopes fans won't blame Rooney for England's exit (SportingNews.com)Sven-Goran Eriksson is pleading with the English media and fans not to blame Wayne Rooney for the te...
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do It
Infidelity has different faces...and different signs and patterns.
Yes, infidelity is complex. You probably know that or perhaps feel the overwhelm and confusion.
Most I work with find tremendous relief, a sense of control, confidence and power once they pinpoint the situational signs of infidelity.
Understanding IS the beginning of healing.
Yes, there are general signs of infidelity that indicate that your husband or wife may be cheating. After you finish reading this page you will find a link for those general signs of infidelity.
But, to accelerate breaking free you need to dig into and nail down the signs and patterns of infidelity.
Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I've identified 7.
And, if you look carefully, you will find that each form of infidelity carries different signs and markers. Know those specific signs of infidelity and you can save yourself much grief.
Let's begin here.
One kind of affair I write about in my e-book is called, "My Marriage Made Me Do It."
Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair:
1. Expect that your spouse will have a very powerful attachment to the other person. The other person will consistently be on her mind. Your spouse will shift energy away from you, the children, the household and her career to her affair relationship. She will be focused, but not on you. Your spouse will attempt to push you away by avoiding you, ignoring you, closing off communication or walking away.
2. The affair will most likely be a long-term affair. It will be very difficult for your spouse to walk away from the other person. He may try on a number of occasions but will continue to gravitate back to the other person. He will hold on tenaciously. This is probably the first or only affair for your spouse. Your spouse is not interested in playing or fooling around but powerfully attaching to the other person. The other person is the savior!
3. Dont believe that the affair was planned before hand because of a bad marriage. These affairs usually just happen. They usually happen with someone in close proximity: co-worker, neighbor, friend (frequently of friends with whom you socialize), etc. The other person is usually the aggressor, your spouse lacking the confidence to seek out the affair. The rationale that it happened because of a lousy marriage comes after the affair is in bloom.
4. The more you try to persuade, convince or pursue, the more strongly he will attach to the other person. He will perceive your efforts as weakness and will want to attach more intently to the other person whom he (at perhaps an unconscious level) deems to be the powerful and loving answer-to-all.
5. Efforts to use moral or religious arguments to call a halt to the affair will be strongly resisted. Your spouse is not guided by rightness or wrongness. These standards have not been internalized and do not carry much weight, especially when it comes to the important chunks of her life. The actions and thoughts of your spouse primarily originate from her need to attach to another person. Any behavior or concept that serves the purpose of maintaining the attachment will be valued. Others are discarded.
6. Expect you will spend a significant amount of time and emotional energy in the next 2 to 4 years (especially if there are children) attempting to resolve the relationship. By resolve, I mean, coming to a point where each of you are fairly free of the emotional entanglement that holds you together and generates the pain and fear. It will be important for you to resolve the relationship whether you continue to be married or separate and divorce.
Does this fit your situation?
Do you see the importance of understanding in-depth the signs of infidelity. Once you do, you will have many more options available that will help you break free.
About The Author
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Love, Lies, Betrayal, and Deceit - Why Do We Lie to Those We Love?
Why do husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, lie to each other?
Our romantic relationships are seldom what they seem. We all want a relationship that is built on openness, intimacy, and trust, but the truth is, our relationships do not always work that way. More often than not, our intimate relationships involve secrecy and deceit. In fact, if you want to look for deception and betrayal in your own life, the best place to start is close to home. Husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, often lie about their true feelings for each other, the feelings they have for others, and their level of commitment. Indeed, it is safe to say that people save their biggest and most serious lies for those they love.
For better or worse, our romantic relationships are full of paradoxes which we try to overlook, downplay and ignore. For the most part, this strategy works well. Until the day comes when it doesn't, and with little warning or preparation we have to confront face-on the reality that our close relationships are not exactly what they appear to be.
Eventually, almost everyone will catch a spouse or partner in one of their lies. Inevitably, we have a difficult time coping with what we have learned and dealing with the fact that someone close has betrayed our trust. We do not expect our partners to mislead us, nor do we have insight into how and why deception occurs.
In fairness, it should also be mentioned that it is just as likely that a partner or spouse will catch you in one of your own attempts to deceive. And ironically, we are just as unprepared to deal with this kind of situation.
Ignoring the paradoxes inherent in our romantic relationships turns out to be a costly strategy and most people pay the price for this decision, unexpectedly, and all at once. It's not so much that coming to terms with the use of deception in romantic relationships will solve all of the problems you are going to encounter, but it will certainty help to reduce the stress, anxiety, and uncertainty that occur when deception eventually comes to light.
In fact, when it comes love and romance, most of the things we believe, are not true. Most people believe that all of their marital or relational problems can be solved through "communication." We believe that deception is difficult to achieve, that misleading a partner requires a lot of effort and thought, and that romantic partners can tell when a lover is lying, and so on. None of these widely held beliefs, however, are supported by the evidence. Rather, our romantic relationships are held together by a delicate balance of both candor and deceit. And both are critical to making our intimate relationships work.
In reality, romantic relationships entail two important features which allow deception to flourish: abundant opportunity, as well as the need to deceive. As we get close to another person, we intentionally and unintentionally provide them with a great deal of information about who we are, revealing ourselves through both our words and deeds. Creating this kind of intimacy or shared knowledge is critical, as it serves as the foundation for a lot of important rewards. Through our close relationships, we create gains with respect to our health, wealth, and emotional well-being.
Because relationships provide so many important rewards, it should come as no surprise that people are inclined to view their romantic partners in a positive light. We place a lot of trust in our romantic partners. We think we know them well. But while our trust surely provides us with a sense of security and comfort, it also lays the ground for deceit. For as we trust our partners more, we also become more confident but less accurate at determining when the truth is being told.
Every relevant study attests to the fact that lovers are terrible at telling when their partners are lying. In fact, detecting deception with anyone is difficult to do, but lovers manage to take this general failure to a spectacular low. Again, as we become more confident that we can tell when a lover is lying, the exact opposite turns out to be true. This "truth-bias" or "blind faith" provides the perfect opportunity for romantic partners to engage in deception. After all, who makes a better victim than someone who is eager and willing to trust everything you have to say?
Not only do close relationships create a wonderful opportunity for deception to occur, they also create the need. While romantic relationships offer many rewards, they also tend to be overly constrictive. Most everyone has felt the constraints of a close relationship from time to time; quite simply you are no longer free to do what you want, when you want, and with whom you want. So intimacy provides tremendous rewards, but at an enormous cost the loss of your freedom and autonomy.
Lying to a romantic partner helps us deal with the constraints that our intimate relationships impose. Quite frankly, deceiving a romantic partner turns out to be the most efficient and effective way of maintaining the rewards we get from our romantic relationships while pursuing extra-relational goals and activities behind a partner's back.
How do we decide when to lie and when to tell the truth? Well, most of the time we do not intentionally think about misleading our partners. Rather such decisions are governed by our emotions and just seem to happen when the right situation presents itself. Often a sense of excitement, opportunity, and exhilaration can lead us down paths we had no intention of traveling. A sense of fear, loss, and trepidation, on the other hand, prompt us to cover-up what we've done and be more conservative in the short-term. Luckily our emotions are very good at reading situations and keeping our deceptive behavior within limits. Our emotions prompt us to regain some of our freedoms while also allowing us to maintain the benefits we get from our intimate relationships.
When you take a step back and put it altogether, the picture that emerges tends to be rather ironic. Because our romantic relationships are so rewarding yet constrictive, we are simultaneously more truthful and more deceptive with those we love. Additionally, we place the most trust in the person who is most likely to deceive us, just as we are most likely to deceive the person who loves and trusts us the most. These are just a few of the paradoxes that emerge when taking a close look at the use of deception in our romantic relationships. Most of what is uncovered runs counter to our most cherished beliefs about love and romance; that is, the idea that complete openness and intimacy are a central and defining feature of being in love.
Initially most people avoid looking for deception by a loved one. But as you begin to examine your own behavior more closely it becomes harder to dismiss the degree to which lies, betrayal, secrecy and deceit are ever present in our close relationships. Hopefully, you will take on a greater appreciation for the complexities of your relationships as well as a richer understanding of what it means to be in love. Regardless of the final outcome, taking a close look at deception in your life will change the way you view yourself and others.
About The Author
Article by Timothy Cole, PhD. For more information on how, when, and why husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, lie to those they love, visit Truth about Deception
truthaboutdeception.com
Boeing fined in scam to win missions (Lompoc Record)Cheating to win the bulk of missions under a government rocket contract and other ethic violations will cost Boeing $615 million, a record settlement to resolve criminal and civil allegations, the U.S. Attorney's Office announced Friday.
Miss Lonelyhearts - July 1 (winnipegsun.com)Last year, on Canada Day, I broke up with the love of my life for 24 hours, because he caught me cheating down at The Forks. I offered to go -- I was willing to go away and go to hell, because it was all my fault, but he wanted to forgive me and have me stay.
Push is on to oust Norcal (San Jose Mercury News)With its lucrative contract up for rebid, Norcal wants to remain San Jose's biggest garbage hauler. But if a growing chorus of naysayers on the city council gets its way, the San Francisco-based company may not have another shot.
Alaskana: History from a Tlingit perspective (Anchorage Daily News)Born Jilkateet, Marion Dennis, in 1951 to Silas R. Dennis Sr. (Gooshdaiheen) and Dorothy Dennis (Tuwaxsee) in Skagway, I was named after my grandmother, "Mary" Marion Daanawaak Dennis. (Our family name of "Deigoosh" was changed by the white man to "Dennis.") My origins are Chilkoot.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Are They Cheating?
The uncertainty of your partners fidelity can literally ruin your life.
If you are a commited member of a partnership, the suspicion, that your partner may not be as commited or even straying, can weigh heavily on your mind.
Thoughts of what they may be doing right now,scream across your consciousness all the time. You can't focus on your work, or any other activity. Like a cancer destroying your body, these thoughts, are destroying your mind.
Chinese water torture would be a relief compared to what you are going through. You need to stop it- right now.
Do whatever you need to do, to preserve your sanity. Think about how you want to handle the situation, when you confront yor partner. Keep your cool. If emotions get to take over, you may say things, or do something that is stupid and that you will regret later.
You might decide to gather proof first. Look out for telltale signs, changes in behavior, change in shedule etc. A sudden loss of sexualappetite with you,should send off warning bells.
If at all possible, try and get some help, to see you through this time. Friends or professional help is important. Get some information and facts about your options, and how to handle the situation.
Unless you want to go absolutely mad, resolve the issue some way.
An affair need not be the end of a relationship, thoughit very often is. Either way,the level of trust that existed before the incident, needs to be reestablished.
Counseling and a renewed look at your mutual value system is mandatory. A permanent dissolution of the partnership may not always be the optimum solution. Always try and get an unbiased opinion, before making any huge decisions.
Whatever happens, remember that true love can conquer all.
About The Author
Who is Udo Vieth? He is fast becoming an expert on love, relationship, romance. Apart from being a qualified EFT and Biofeedback practitioner, he has been through the mill as far as relationships go. He is presently in a fulfilling relationship, but remembers the pitfalls all too well. He has set up a website: www.Toprelationships.com where information regarding all aspects of relationships, as well as some freebies are available.
If you are a commited member of a partnership, the suspicion, that your partner may not be as commited or even straying, can weigh heavily on your mind.
Thoughts of what they may be doing right now,scream across your consciousness all the time. You can't focus on your work, or any other activity. Like a cancer destroying your body, these thoughts, are destroying your mind.
Chinese water torture would be a relief compared to what you are going through. You need to stop it- right now.
Do whatever you need to do, to preserve your sanity. Think about how you want to handle the situation, when you confront yor partner. Keep your cool. If emotions get to take over, you may say things, or do something that is stupid and that you will regret later.
You might decide to gather proof first. Look out for telltale signs, changes in behavior, change in shedule etc. A sudden loss of sexualappetite with you,should send off warning bells.
If at all possible, try and get some help, to see you through this time. Friends or professional help is important. Get some information and facts about your options, and how to handle the situation.
Unless you want to go absolutely mad, resolve the issue some way.
An affair need not be the end of a relationship, thoughit very often is. Either way,the level of trust that existed before the incident, needs to be reestablished.
Counseling and a renewed look at your mutual value system is mandatory. A permanent dissolution of the partnership may not always be the optimum solution. Always try and get an unbiased opinion, before making any huge decisions.
Whatever happens, remember that true love can conquer all.
About The Author
Who is Udo Vieth? He is fast becoming an expert on love, relationship, romance. Apart from being a qualified EFT and Biofeedback practitioner, he has been through the mill as far as relationships go. He is presently in a fulfilling relationship, but remembers the pitfalls all too well. He has set up a website: www.Toprelationships.com where information regarding all aspects of relationships, as well as some freebies are available.
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Excerpt from 'Seemed Like A Good Idea at the Time' (USA Today)Excerpt from 'Seemed Like A Good Idea at the Time'
Sympathy for the Devils? (Independent Weekly)In the sports pages of the nation's newspapers, my home state of North Carolina is always well represented.
